My Afterglow Moment: The Fear of Falling Apart

Songs are like relationships. Some are only with you for a season, and others stick with you forever. Panic at the Disco has stuck with me from all of my sad girl hours to feeling on top of the world.

My Afterglow Moment is a series where staff writers and editors share their favorite music-related memories.

Written by Téa Anderson

Photo courtesy of Larry Marano and Variety

They say that the more you practice, the better you are supposed to get. I think they’re liars. As a military brat, I have yet to get better at moving, and I have had eighteen years of practice. I have lived in twelve houses among six different states and attended ten different schools. I have never been stagnant — it is impossible when you live in constant motion.

Moving can bring out the worst in me, and I’ll be the first to admit it. During my freshman year of high school, I moved from Las Vegas to Washington D.C.. I listened to Panic! At the Disco’s Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die album on loop. 14-year-old me found solace in the upbeat sadness. “This Is Gospel” became my personal anthem. I clung to lyrics like “if you love me, let me go” and “truth be told, I never was yours” as if I was dangling off a cliff.

I spent far too long being a miserable shell of myself. Over time, my icy exterior melted and I began to build connections with those around me. The summer after my sophomore year of high school was the second best summer of my life. I was 16, and I no longer held onto the pain of leaving my Las Vegas life behind. I was living the best life I possibly could. I was spending fourth of July at my friend’s lakehouse, taking spontaneous trips to national monuments, and driving with my friends with the windows down — music blasting of course. I was also blessed with the opportunity to witness Brendon Urie perform for the first time at the outdoor Jiffy Lube Live amphitheater.

I danced, ate french fries, and screamed those sacred lyrics at the top of my lungs. I thought that was the happiest I would ever feel. I had peaked at 16 years old and I was completely okay with that. Two years later, I was back in Las Vegas, halfway through my first year as an adult, and weeks away from leaving for college. Nothing in my life was the same.

I knew Panic! was having a show sometime in August but buying tickets had completely escaped me. The morning of the concert, one of my friends called me and mentioned it was that evening. I decided that I was going, no matter what I had to do. Somehow, I ended up scoring two free tickets. Spontaneity, friendship, and free swag are some of the best qualities in life.

The only way I can describe who I was that day is to say that I was yellow. I was no longer the sad 14 year old. I was a bright, golden ray of light. I could not be brought down. I didn’t think I could get any higher until I heard the opening notes of “This Is Gospel” that night. That song stayed with me for every good and bad day over the course of four years. When I started driving, it was the song that made me want to hit the gas. My connection only grew stronger when I found out Urie and I not only graduated from the same high school, but I was a regular at the Tropical Smoothie he used to work at.

Panic! At the Disco has a song for every mood and occasion. Their discography is timeless, and I continually find myself jumping in and out of their different eras. They have led me to realize that music doesn’t care what kind of day I’m having; it accepts me regardless. Some days it picks me off the floor and others it makes me feel alive. My relationship with music evolved alongside me and will continue to, until I die and am buried next to Urie, probably.